Core Emotions

This is not really in my time budget, but I had to take the time to share this with you. In the VFT trainings, we talk about the importance of getting to our core emotions and sharing that with our children and even others during important times of communication. Even for us who are old "pros" at this, at times, we have to be reminded that not only to get to our core emotion but to share it in a way that our children hear it.This Thanksgiving will be the third Thanksgiving I have had a child in the hospital in the past 7 or 8 years. (I try not to keep track.) This is my first holiday hospitalization for my daughter, Caiti. As most of you know, my son, Josh is in recovery and has a strong recovery plan that has been working for him since he was 16, with one break that occurred last year during his divorce. What many of you may not know is that my daughter, Caiti, is struggling with her recovery and is just now 16. Both of my children have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder but you wouldn't know it from their symptoms at times. This disease is as individual as the people it afflicts. So my husband and I have had a huge education process to go through, just like we knew nothing about mental illness, while striving to help Caiti.The past year has been a huge struggle for Caiti and our entire family. Caiti is currently in the hospital and it was beginning to look like she might be there a very long time. She didn't want to talk to me and when she did, the conversations were short and not very productive. I had been expressing my core emotions until I was blue in the face. But I was having a good visit with her if she didn't ask me to leave after 15 minutes. Then it occurred to me – while I may have been saying all the right things – my honest feelings, I hadn't been saying them in a way that Caiti could accept them. DOH!!!!! Did I feel like a big dummy! My daughter didn't like to hear things, she likes to READ and HOLD the paper and go back and READ and HOLD the paper, over and over and over. Guess what? So does her mother. I don't hear things well either. So why did it take me so long to realize that she was the same way? So before visitation last night, I sat down and wrote her a letter, not apologizing, not berating her or me, but just expressing my core emotions. I expressed love for her. Frustration for not understanding her needs better. Regret for not being able to help her feel more protected. Even though she is safe, she doesn't feel safe and I acknowledged that. Anxiety is a huge part of her illness and while I don't understand it, I told her I accept it and will take that into account when making decisions. Caiti read the letter immediately and began to cry and grabbed my hand. She then told me she loved me and was ready to come home and go to work on getting better. A two page letter in five minutes accomplished what a million words had not been able to do in a year's time. Please share this with your VFT classes and support groups. Core emotions are essential in communicating effectively with our children. Knowing how to present them so they can understand them is just as important. And there is always something to learn every day, that will help us support our children in helping themselves. Thank you for letting me share this with you.

Author's Note: VFT is an education program from NAMI Texas for families who have a child with a mental illness - Visions For Tomorrow