I had a surprise birthday party. The biggest surprise was how well it went. No, I’m just kidding.
My husband, who already does so much for his family, planned, cleaned the house, ordered food, picked up the food, invited the guest, and made sure I had a great day away from the house while he was working like a dog.
The party was wonderful. The biggest surprise was how many people we could fit in our house.
Actually, what was wonderful was knowing that these people had come together to honor me. As I was surrounded by friends and family, I realized just how blessed I am and I was a bit ashamed at how I hadn’t really been counting my blessings lately.
It had been a hard week just prior to my party. Josh had to be taken to the ER – he had been passing out and there was no explanation for it.
Caiti was cycling with her illness and it had been one manic ride for 7 straight days.
And boo hoo, this was my birthday week and why couldn’t anything go my way? You’ve had pity parties like that, haven’t you?
But to replace that party of ill gains was one of love and blessings. There were so many different types of people – old people, young people, married people, single people, all come together to wish me well.
Remember when I wrote earlier about how I think of myself as a wolf? For someone who thinks of herself as a lone wolf, this was quite a surprise. And a very special gift. For I realize I have one hell of a pack. People who are there rooting for me and in my corner and who I can count on. What else can I say about it – I am truly blessed.
Thank you to my husband. Thank you to my children. Thank you to my mom and extended family. Thank you to my friends.
Beatus
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A day in our life
Be careful what you pray for. God does listen. Lately I have been praying for humility and for confirmation that working in the mental health arena is my purpose in life right now.
I am asking for humility as a means of being more empathetic and thus more at peace with myself and the world around me.
I am asking for confirmation of my purpose as I am getting older and I don’t’ want to waste one precious moment in my life.
Both of my prayers were answered yesterday. And it was shocking and surreal to me as it happened. And I was angered and outraged – but just for a moment. Then a wave of clarity overcame me and it is true what they say. Humility does give you more inner peace. So let me tell you what happened.
Caiti is still very ill. Caiti is my 17 year old daughter. Her diagnosis is bipolar disorder. At times, she appears to have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder and teenage angst preservers at all times.
We were at counseling and it was apparent to both her counselor and I that Caiti was not safe from herself and needed to be hospitalized. This is her fifth hospital visit since Thanksgiving. I was not sure I could take her to the hospital by myself, so the police were called.
Two Dallas police officers arrived. One was short and middle aged. The other tall and very young, obviously in training. In the past years, our family experiences in dealing with the police in Garland due to Caiti being ill have all been very positive experiences. They have been kind, cooperative, and understanding and have acted non-judgmentally.
As these two officers walked into the counselors office, it was obvious that Caiti and I were about to undergo a new experience.
The older, shorter officer immediately started barking at Caiti, without even looking at me or the counselor. “What is wrong with you?”
I try to make a point to allow police to do their jobs and not to interfere as:
a. They have a job to do and we asked for their help.
b. I believe that dealing with all kinds of experiences will help Caiti to realize what the world is about and what she has to expect.
c. The police carry a gun.
However, it became quickly apparent that this office did not know about mental illness or if he did, he did not care about anyone with mental illness, including my daughter. So I did the only thing that I could do based upon my knowledge of dealing with irate people – I stepped up and stood beside him.
This did exactly what I wanted it to do – it pulled his focus to me and away from Caiti. The officer then began asking me why I let her manipulate me and why I let her act the way she does. I choice not to say a word, which allowed him to keep talking and berate me until he was ready to take Caiti to the car. The counselor did on two different occasions come to my defense, trying to explain to him that this was not a manipulation but a sick girl needing help, but he didn’t even acknowledge that she was speaking.
By the time the officer was ready to take Caiti to the car, he had pretty much exhausted himself for the time being. He asked Caiti if she wanted handcuffs and she said yes. Her own way of rebelling against this cop and standing up to him – I got it, the counselor got it, and the cop didn’t. It shocked him. But to regain control, he then began telling her, that as her mother, I had no say in and don’t expect him to NOT cuff her, even if I begged him not to. Again, I didn’t say a word to him but held eye contact. At that time, the younger, quiet officer, took Caiti by the arm and escorted her out of the building.
Later I found out that the officer continued to have choice words of wisdom for Caiti. It became oddly enough a bonding experience for us when I visited her next in the hospital later that day. So in some ways, that officer did me a great favor.
After they had left, the counselor hugged me and told me she could not believe I had remained silent. I am known by this counselor for my true self – to be loud and outspoken and determined. And I had said a lot by being silent and had been just as determined in my posturing. And I was enraged, even though it had been a choice to be silent.
However, the rage was short lived. It was like having the breath knocked out of you when you are playing ball. I had just had an “in your face” experience of what our families deal with TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN.
Yes, we at NAMI educate. Yes, we at NAMI are empowered. Yes, we at NAMI advocate. The battles are still going on and needing to be won. Dare I compare the plight of stigma to the discrimination against black Americans?
The black community has had Rosa Parks and Dr. Martin Luther King. There has been an abolishment of the Jim Crow laws and there have been riots about racial discrimination. Life has improved. Equality has been written into the constitution but discrimination lives on in individuals affecting lives that we never see, never hear of.
I could have spoken up to this man and told him – I’m a member and active educator through NAMI Texas. It wouldn’t have made a difference. He’s probably never heard of NAMI. But he will. Because I did the only thing I could think of that might make a difference. I called the person who handles the education of the Dallas Police dept and asked them to make sure this officer gets to attend the next class NAMI presents to the Dallas PD so he could be EDUCATED about mental illness and how to deal with individuals in the community. This officer may not CHOOSE to change, but at least we are giving him the tools to change if he so chooses.
In the mental health arena, we may not have the equivalent of Dr King. Yet, we have come a long way from where we were and we still have a long way to go. What we do have though, is many, many people, making a difference, one experience at a time, and one individual at a time.
So yes, I got my prayers answered – loud and clear. So I will continue on, one step at a time, to make a difference for my kids – for your kids – for us all.
I am asking for humility as a means of being more empathetic and thus more at peace with myself and the world around me.
I am asking for confirmation of my purpose as I am getting older and I don’t’ want to waste one precious moment in my life.
Both of my prayers were answered yesterday. And it was shocking and surreal to me as it happened. And I was angered and outraged – but just for a moment. Then a wave of clarity overcame me and it is true what they say. Humility does give you more inner peace. So let me tell you what happened.
Caiti is still very ill. Caiti is my 17 year old daughter. Her diagnosis is bipolar disorder. At times, she appears to have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder and teenage angst preservers at all times.
We were at counseling and it was apparent to both her counselor and I that Caiti was not safe from herself and needed to be hospitalized. This is her fifth hospital visit since Thanksgiving. I was not sure I could take her to the hospital by myself, so the police were called.
Two Dallas police officers arrived. One was short and middle aged. The other tall and very young, obviously in training. In the past years, our family experiences in dealing with the police in Garland due to Caiti being ill have all been very positive experiences. They have been kind, cooperative, and understanding and have acted non-judgmentally.
As these two officers walked into the counselors office, it was obvious that Caiti and I were about to undergo a new experience.
The older, shorter officer immediately started barking at Caiti, without even looking at me or the counselor. “What is wrong with you?”
I try to make a point to allow police to do their jobs and not to interfere as:
a. They have a job to do and we asked for their help.
b. I believe that dealing with all kinds of experiences will help Caiti to realize what the world is about and what she has to expect.
c. The police carry a gun.
However, it became quickly apparent that this office did not know about mental illness or if he did, he did not care about anyone with mental illness, including my daughter. So I did the only thing that I could do based upon my knowledge of dealing with irate people – I stepped up and stood beside him.
This did exactly what I wanted it to do – it pulled his focus to me and away from Caiti. The officer then began asking me why I let her manipulate me and why I let her act the way she does. I choice not to say a word, which allowed him to keep talking and berate me until he was ready to take Caiti to the car. The counselor did on two different occasions come to my defense, trying to explain to him that this was not a manipulation but a sick girl needing help, but he didn’t even acknowledge that she was speaking.
By the time the officer was ready to take Caiti to the car, he had pretty much exhausted himself for the time being. He asked Caiti if she wanted handcuffs and she said yes. Her own way of rebelling against this cop and standing up to him – I got it, the counselor got it, and the cop didn’t. It shocked him. But to regain control, he then began telling her, that as her mother, I had no say in and don’t expect him to NOT cuff her, even if I begged him not to. Again, I didn’t say a word to him but held eye contact. At that time, the younger, quiet officer, took Caiti by the arm and escorted her out of the building.
Later I found out that the officer continued to have choice words of wisdom for Caiti. It became oddly enough a bonding experience for us when I visited her next in the hospital later that day. So in some ways, that officer did me a great favor.
After they had left, the counselor hugged me and told me she could not believe I had remained silent. I am known by this counselor for my true self – to be loud and outspoken and determined. And I had said a lot by being silent and had been just as determined in my posturing. And I was enraged, even though it had been a choice to be silent.
However, the rage was short lived. It was like having the breath knocked out of you when you are playing ball. I had just had an “in your face” experience of what our families deal with TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN.
Yes, we at NAMI educate. Yes, we at NAMI are empowered. Yes, we at NAMI advocate. The battles are still going on and needing to be won. Dare I compare the plight of stigma to the discrimination against black Americans?
The black community has had Rosa Parks and Dr. Martin Luther King. There has been an abolishment of the Jim Crow laws and there have been riots about racial discrimination. Life has improved. Equality has been written into the constitution but discrimination lives on in individuals affecting lives that we never see, never hear of.
I could have spoken up to this man and told him – I’m a member and active educator through NAMI Texas. It wouldn’t have made a difference. He’s probably never heard of NAMI. But he will. Because I did the only thing I could think of that might make a difference. I called the person who handles the education of the Dallas Police dept and asked them to make sure this officer gets to attend the next class NAMI presents to the Dallas PD so he could be EDUCATED about mental illness and how to deal with individuals in the community. This officer may not CHOOSE to change, but at least we are giving him the tools to change if he so chooses.
In the mental health arena, we may not have the equivalent of Dr King. Yet, we have come a long way from where we were and we still have a long way to go. What we do have though, is many, many people, making a difference, one experience at a time, and one individual at a time.
So yes, I got my prayers answered – loud and clear. So I will continue on, one step at a time, to make a difference for my kids – for your kids – for us all.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I Say I'ts My Birthday!!!!!!
Today is my birthday. When you are younger, having a birthday marks the time in your life when you get to do things you weren’t able to do before. When you are 6, you get to go to school. When you are 16, you get to drive, get a ob, date.. many things. When you are 21 you get to drink… or maybe you did that when you were 18, depending on when you were born.
As you get older, though, things can shift. I hear a lot of my friends referring to the things they can no longer do…. Like stay up all night. Or drink all night… or do other things all night.
They can’t run as fast or as far or see as well and all kinds of things. And that seems like the top of a long hill slide down to me if you start thinking that way.
A good friend of mine gave me a card today that read almost like a book, it was so full of wisdom and positive ideas. I think that is something else that should happen when you get older instead of those cards with coffins and black balloons and wrinkly old ladies pictured on the front. You should get wonderful. uplifting cards that celebrate your life like it’s still 1999. I digress. Anyway this card talks about all the new things and possibilities that are available to me since life will be continuing. It reminds me that life is an ever evolving story that I am writing. And this is all true.
For me though, today, I am thinking about Thanksgiving. Not the day we have in November. But a true day of Thanksgiving.
First of all, I am thankful that I am celebrating a new birthday.
I am thankful my mother had me. She had other options.
I am thankful that I had a childhood in a southern, small town, growing up much like how Truman Capote depicted life in the “Grass Harp”. Colorful, eccentric characters that left me wondering what was going to happen next, almost ever moment of my short and much enjoyed childhood.
I am thankful for being the only girl in a neighborhood of boys. It made me understand much about power and control and being fearless and daring, very early in life – and how much fun it is to be that way. And if you have a choice, getting dirty is the best choice.
I am thankful that my parents divorced and my mother brought me to Dallas. At the time, it caused me great pain and grief, but the wisdom of hindsight allows me to see that I never would have been happy or grown in the way I did in that eccentric family that I so loved as a child. I would never have realized my full self in that small southern town. Even now, my family back there doesn’t get me. So I’m glad to visit, but I’m glad to come home.
I am thankful for my first love in high school. He gave me another important but very painful lesson in life. Love is not enough. It is the start and foundation. It took many more people and many more lessons for this to be a complete picture for me. But this was my first step.
I am thankful for all the men in my life – my father, my uncles, my cousins, my boyfriends, my husbands, my friends and my professional peers. Each one of them taught me something. Some taught me from a position of love, others from a position of power, and even others from a position of careless, self centeredness. Maybe I was dense and that is why it took so many lessons but I am grateful for each one.
I am especially thankful for the father of my son. He was the first man to see me as powerful and as his equal and to treat me as such. I never accepted anything less than that afterwards.
I am thankful for my woman friends now. Women did not play a large part of my life early on. When I was younger, I didn’t have many female friends. I did not know how to relate them and they didn’t know how to relate to me. With age, women finally learn that we always have a common bond – we’re smarter than people think and we are under appreciated (grin – just joking). Actually, after we have raised our kids, we finally have time for ourselves and that is when we can fully appreciate other women AND be able to make time for one another. I love my “sister women friends” and don’t know how I did without them before.
I am thankful for my son. He reminds me of who I was and who I continue to be.
I am thankful for my daughter. She reminds me of who I was and who I continue to be, unfortunately though, in some very less than positive ways. Young female power vs. older female power is not always a pretty sight. My mom remembers when I was on the other side of the fence. I hear her mumbling something like, “You pay for your raising.” I still don’t’ get what that means.
I am thankful for my husband. He’s the longest relationship I have ever had romantically and spiritually. It’s not been easy for me to be with one person and I feel bad for him. I’m not an easy person period. But he reminds me of what commitment and integrity mean and why they are important when other characteristics get week and threaten to fail you. It’s why you don’t go to sleep mad at night and why you don’t forget to hold hands.
Bottom line, when you consider the alternative, I am thankful to be alive. So thank you for your good wishes. I look forward to them again, and again and again. And if you have a chance tonight, raise a glass and drink to me and drink to you. And say a prayer of thanksgiving.
As you get older, though, things can shift. I hear a lot of my friends referring to the things they can no longer do…. Like stay up all night. Or drink all night… or do other things all night.
They can’t run as fast or as far or see as well and all kinds of things. And that seems like the top of a long hill slide down to me if you start thinking that way.
A good friend of mine gave me a card today that read almost like a book, it was so full of wisdom and positive ideas. I think that is something else that should happen when you get older instead of those cards with coffins and black balloons and wrinkly old ladies pictured on the front. You should get wonderful. uplifting cards that celebrate your life like it’s still 1999. I digress. Anyway this card talks about all the new things and possibilities that are available to me since life will be continuing. It reminds me that life is an ever evolving story that I am writing. And this is all true.
For me though, today, I am thinking about Thanksgiving. Not the day we have in November. But a true day of Thanksgiving.
First of all, I am thankful that I am celebrating a new birthday.
I am thankful my mother had me. She had other options.
I am thankful that I had a childhood in a southern, small town, growing up much like how Truman Capote depicted life in the “Grass Harp”. Colorful, eccentric characters that left me wondering what was going to happen next, almost ever moment of my short and much enjoyed childhood.
I am thankful for being the only girl in a neighborhood of boys. It made me understand much about power and control and being fearless and daring, very early in life – and how much fun it is to be that way. And if you have a choice, getting dirty is the best choice.
I am thankful that my parents divorced and my mother brought me to Dallas. At the time, it caused me great pain and grief, but the wisdom of hindsight allows me to see that I never would have been happy or grown in the way I did in that eccentric family that I so loved as a child. I would never have realized my full self in that small southern town. Even now, my family back there doesn’t get me. So I’m glad to visit, but I’m glad to come home.
I am thankful for my first love in high school. He gave me another important but very painful lesson in life. Love is not enough. It is the start and foundation. It took many more people and many more lessons for this to be a complete picture for me. But this was my first step.
I am thankful for all the men in my life – my father, my uncles, my cousins, my boyfriends, my husbands, my friends and my professional peers. Each one of them taught me something. Some taught me from a position of love, others from a position of power, and even others from a position of careless, self centeredness. Maybe I was dense and that is why it took so many lessons but I am grateful for each one.
I am especially thankful for the father of my son. He was the first man to see me as powerful and as his equal and to treat me as such. I never accepted anything less than that afterwards.
I am thankful for my woman friends now. Women did not play a large part of my life early on. When I was younger, I didn’t have many female friends. I did not know how to relate them and they didn’t know how to relate to me. With age, women finally learn that we always have a common bond – we’re smarter than people think and we are under appreciated (grin – just joking). Actually, after we have raised our kids, we finally have time for ourselves and that is when we can fully appreciate other women AND be able to make time for one another. I love my “sister women friends” and don’t know how I did without them before.
I am thankful for my son. He reminds me of who I was and who I continue to be.
I am thankful for my daughter. She reminds me of who I was and who I continue to be, unfortunately though, in some very less than positive ways. Young female power vs. older female power is not always a pretty sight. My mom remembers when I was on the other side of the fence. I hear her mumbling something like, “You pay for your raising.” I still don’t’ get what that means.
I am thankful for my husband. He’s the longest relationship I have ever had romantically and spiritually. It’s not been easy for me to be with one person and I feel bad for him. I’m not an easy person period. But he reminds me of what commitment and integrity mean and why they are important when other characteristics get week and threaten to fail you. It’s why you don’t go to sleep mad at night and why you don’t forget to hold hands.
Bottom line, when you consider the alternative, I am thankful to be alive. So thank you for your good wishes. I look forward to them again, and again and again. And if you have a chance tonight, raise a glass and drink to me and drink to you. And say a prayer of thanksgiving.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
My Name Is Not Arrogance.
I needed something new for my blog, so it is quite fortunate that this conversation occurred yesterday. In my mind, this is already a great posting. I just hope it comes out as well once it hits paper.
Someone I consider with very high regard, yesterday, asked me if I thought I might be too arrogant and that could possibly keep me from learning from others.
For those of you who know me but not as well as you might, you are probably thinking to yourself – that’s not a bad question for Deborah.
For those of you who know me well enough to know my heart and my spirit, you are smiling to yourself, I know. The point that there are two groups here is a topic for another blog so I will move forward.
In answer to my friends question, the answer was no, I am not too arrogant. What is mistaken for arrogance is simply the calm, collectiveness of knowing who I am, flaws and strengths and being able to accept them, and being able to make cognitive decisions about how I will manage those traits.
Anyone can have this quiet. Not that I am always calm. That is a different matter. Regardless if my life is as I want it or if there is chaos surrounding me, I always know who I am and I am good with that. Do you know how you can have that in your life as well? I won’t dare even try to answer that for you. For me, though, I reached that point in a very early age in my life with two things.
I know the love, grace and forgiveness of God.
I know who I am in His eyes and I understand that I don’t have to understand anything else about His plan.
Do I like that I don’t know His plan all the time? Hell, no. Do I feel deserving of His unconditional love every single minute of my life? Again, it’s no.
It was a conscious choice of my part to accept His grace and to make it a part of who I am and how I deal with, accept, work with and love myself. If God can love me, who I am to argue with Him and say I am not worthy of love – His or anyone else’s or my own?
With that as my foundation, it makes everything else I do and have to deal with just a part of life that, even when it is not what I want, or what I would choose, I know that something good can come from it, even if I don’t see it or understand it. I also know that every day and every person is a lesson. I learn something from everyone I encounter, though I do not actively seek them out.
What I am saying is, I pray about everything I do. I’m not strong enough to always allow God to make my decisions. And I am not strong enough to always follow his direction. I pray to be a better person everyday of my life. I pray that I fulfill whatever goals He has for me. I pray that I am able to make Him proud of me, which is not the same thing as loving me.
When you think of me as arrogant, reframe that and see if that doesn’t seem more appropriate. Instead of saying arrogant, say passionate, someone who is driven who has given a lot of thought about the goal she is trying to reach and is excited about reaching it, frustrated when she is blocked from reaching it.
Instead of saying arrogant, say confident. She’s been down this road before and has a vast amount of experience that gives her the ability to see the different ways this could turn out and she’s willing to deal with any and all of the consequences.
Instead of saying arrogant, say determined. She’s not sure of what could happen or even what should, but she’s committed to a choice or a path, after asking for guidance that she relies on. She's not willing to back down to avoid conflict or even punishment if she believes she is doing the right thing or fighting for a just cause.
Instead of saying arrogant, say focused. She’s been given a vision and though she doesn’t understand what it all means, she has a purpose she is trying to fulfill. And she only participates in activities that she feels strongly about. Mediocre or milquetoast is not in her make up.
Instead of saying arrogant, say strong. She’s willing to take the heat for everyone involved if it will get the ultimate goal accomplished. While you might think she's like a dog with a bone, reframe it to being able to stand up under prolonged periods of stress.
Instead of saying arrogant, say isolated. She has committed her life to finding God’s purpose for her and sometimes that means doing things others don’t understand or doing things that even can be considered anti-social if you are not privy to her mind set.
Instead of saying arrogant, say fulfilled. She has choices, every day about everything and she has made her choice. If you don’t understand her or her actions, try asking more questions.
And again, remember, this is not everything that I am, just a part of who I have become, by choice.
Someone I consider with very high regard, yesterday, asked me if I thought I might be too arrogant and that could possibly keep me from learning from others.
For those of you who know me but not as well as you might, you are probably thinking to yourself – that’s not a bad question for Deborah.
For those of you who know me well enough to know my heart and my spirit, you are smiling to yourself, I know. The point that there are two groups here is a topic for another blog so I will move forward.
In answer to my friends question, the answer was no, I am not too arrogant. What is mistaken for arrogance is simply the calm, collectiveness of knowing who I am, flaws and strengths and being able to accept them, and being able to make cognitive decisions about how I will manage those traits.
Anyone can have this quiet. Not that I am always calm. That is a different matter. Regardless if my life is as I want it or if there is chaos surrounding me, I always know who I am and I am good with that. Do you know how you can have that in your life as well? I won’t dare even try to answer that for you. For me, though, I reached that point in a very early age in my life with two things.
I know the love, grace and forgiveness of God.
I know who I am in His eyes and I understand that I don’t have to understand anything else about His plan.
Do I like that I don’t know His plan all the time? Hell, no. Do I feel deserving of His unconditional love every single minute of my life? Again, it’s no.
It was a conscious choice of my part to accept His grace and to make it a part of who I am and how I deal with, accept, work with and love myself. If God can love me, who I am to argue with Him and say I am not worthy of love – His or anyone else’s or my own?
With that as my foundation, it makes everything else I do and have to deal with just a part of life that, even when it is not what I want, or what I would choose, I know that something good can come from it, even if I don’t see it or understand it. I also know that every day and every person is a lesson. I learn something from everyone I encounter, though I do not actively seek them out.
What I am saying is, I pray about everything I do. I’m not strong enough to always allow God to make my decisions. And I am not strong enough to always follow his direction. I pray to be a better person everyday of my life. I pray that I fulfill whatever goals He has for me. I pray that I am able to make Him proud of me, which is not the same thing as loving me.
When you think of me as arrogant, reframe that and see if that doesn’t seem more appropriate. Instead of saying arrogant, say passionate, someone who is driven who has given a lot of thought about the goal she is trying to reach and is excited about reaching it, frustrated when she is blocked from reaching it.
Instead of saying arrogant, say confident. She’s been down this road before and has a vast amount of experience that gives her the ability to see the different ways this could turn out and she’s willing to deal with any and all of the consequences.
Instead of saying arrogant, say determined. She’s not sure of what could happen or even what should, but she’s committed to a choice or a path, after asking for guidance that she relies on. She's not willing to back down to avoid conflict or even punishment if she believes she is doing the right thing or fighting for a just cause.
Instead of saying arrogant, say focused. She’s been given a vision and though she doesn’t understand what it all means, she has a purpose she is trying to fulfill. And she only participates in activities that she feels strongly about. Mediocre or milquetoast is not in her make up.
Instead of saying arrogant, say strong. She’s willing to take the heat for everyone involved if it will get the ultimate goal accomplished. While you might think she's like a dog with a bone, reframe it to being able to stand up under prolonged periods of stress.
Instead of saying arrogant, say isolated. She has committed her life to finding God’s purpose for her and sometimes that means doing things others don’t understand or doing things that even can be considered anti-social if you are not privy to her mind set.
Instead of saying arrogant, say fulfilled. She has choices, every day about everything and she has made her choice. If you don’t understand her or her actions, try asking more questions.
And again, remember, this is not everything that I am, just a part of who I have become, by choice.
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