With the political wind blowing in every direction, it can often times be discouraging when we think about where the future is taking us.
I have to tell you that some very exciting things are going on in Texas right now.
At this time, we have over 12 trainings scheduled across the state to train employees in the juvenile system about Visions For Tomorrow. The secret of these classes is not only do they learn about how Visions can help families and all about NAMI, but the employees are taught the same communication skills and advocacy skills that our parents learn during their classes.
I guarantee you that these professionals come away with a much better understanding of what our families are dealing with – not just the illness but with insurance companies, the systems and stigma in general by the end of the day. And I can only believe that they grow as advocates because of the experience.
In the meantime, these professionals are telling others about our wonderful program and the word is getting out and more requests are coming in, with other agencies wanting to know – Who is NAMI and what is Visions. I don’t know about you, but I find the possibilities encouraging when I get these calls and emails.
Also, as part of this professional in-service training, NAMI TX is offering a certificate of completion to these professionals and listing them on a directory on the VFT website of NAMI TX Certified Professionals. At this time, we have over 60 professionals listed in our directory and this is just the first month of the program!!!
On a personal note, I have been asked to participate in a new book project being developed by Lisa Nichols. Lisa Nichols is the founder of Motivating the Teen Spirit and wrote the Chicken Soup for the African American Soul. Many of you might recognize her from her movie, “The Secret”. Ms. Nichols is an inspiring and uplifting woman who radiates strength and hope. She was my personal coach several years back and I found the experience to be one of the most positive changes in my life.
As this project progresses, I will keep you updated. I am part of a “test group” that she is practicing some new techniques and exercise on for her newest workshop.
Many affiliates are underway with their NAMI Walks. I wish you the best of luck and happy fundraising as you go.
And remember, NAMI TX is here to support you in any way we can. Relax and take a deep breath! Spring is on its way!
My best to you all!
Deb Rose
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
What the world needs now.....
I have read and reread the article below. As a mother with two children with a mental illness diagnosis, my heart weeps and I nod my head in agreement as I read every word. As an American patriot though, I stop and take a deep breath and find my head nodding up and down slowly changing to a shaking to left and right. Yes. Something has to change to help our loved ones who are ill. They need help and they need better care and they need to be safe. Mandatory licenses called laws is not the answer though.
There are a lot of people doing dangerous and unsafe things in this world – that affect themselves and others. We have the smokers (second hand smoke) the drinkers (DUI and accidents), people abusing drugs, both legal and illegal (See drinkers), overeaters (while their health may be at risk, they just seem to irritate the rest of the world, especially people on planes) None of these people are forced into medical facilities for their own good. My own father just entered the hospital where they found he had almost bled out completely due to some colon issues. I have been asking him to get a check up for months. While I worried, nagged and begged, should I really have the right to “MAKE’ him go see a doctor?
First and foremost, my children, both who have been unsafe in the past and have committed illegal acts, are human beings, just like me – just like you. They have dreams, maybe not like ours, but they have their own dreams and desires. Secondly, they have an illness that does affect what they think, what they say and what they do. However, mandatory lock up in a hospital or any other facility is not going to inspire my kids to want to be “normal” It didn’t and it won’t. Let’s compare the cold, hard walls of a sterile, uncaring environment of a hospital to the roller coaster ride of mania, then depression and then back to mania. Hey, the manic roller coaster will win every time. Yes, while they are in the hospital, they get medication that gets them “level”. First off, they don’t want to be level. Level is boring. Secondly, once they are level, they are now in a place mentally to realize that their life is on a downhill slide and they have a lot of work and time before they can ever be at an ‘average” place of daily functioning. On top of that they are expected to try and get a job, find friends who are level and not doing drugs and learn to pay bills and balance a check book. Even if they are able to do this mentally, emotionally this is overwhelming. And I don’t believe that this changes as they get older until they have had a long term period of successful recovery.
The other side of this story is even when in the hospital, they were allowed to stay, not to rest, not to get therapy, but only to get level. Then they were bundled up and sent home. This used to really make me angry. But later, what I realized was, if I could stay healthy, rested and calm, home really was the best environment for my kids. I cared for them. I empathized with them and I did not let them or myself become debilitated by sympathy and sorrow. We pushed through the bad times – together. And the one thing they never got from the system that they really needed was life skills. As I’ve watched my children grow into adults, I see that all they survivor skills that have made a difference in their abilities to be successful, they received at home – from me, their dad, their grandparents.
Mandatory lock up is not what is missing. What is missing is the daily support emotionally that helps our loved ones get through “bad days”. What is missing is an accountability system that holds them responsible for checking their mental temperature and seeking help before the pilot light on their brain explodes, blowing the whole system up. What is lacking is a medical system that treats our loved ones as people with dignity and the right to control their lives and them giving the tools to do so, PREVENTING the melt downs before they do loose control over the quality of their daily lives.
Britney did not get to the place where she is today overnight. This has been coming for YEARS! Where was her family, her friends, her medical treatment plan BEFORE she married her childhood sweetheart for 55 hours? Intervention should have happened then, not years later after a second marriage and divorce and two children had been born.
Other groups that offer support for ill people have stepped up to the plate and put procedures into place that have nothing to do with the law or with medical facilities. Family interventions are common for people with alcoholism. These interventions include family members, friends AND the people involved in the support system of AA.
What would happened if we could gather ten loving, people in our home to set down and talk to our loved one about their behavior and decision making process BEFORE we became so fearful we longed to be able to lock our loved one into a facility?
And that is what is driving us right now – fear. WE want them safe, we want them mentally sound and we want to be able to see that they are alright. And we can’t do that if they are roaming the streets or in jail.
But what if we were driven by Education and Empowerment? And because we were driven by positive traits, we are now able to intercede before it becomes a fearful situation.
We can not improve our medical treatments and what is available to people with mental illness overnight. Educating ourselves and empowering ourselves though is something that we can start right now.
Here is an example of what that can do for you and your family. I had a brother who committed suicide in his mid 20’s. Consequently, I read everything I could about suicide, the warning signs – just everything I could find. When my son was diagnosed with a mental illness at a early age, I did not hesitate to talk to him about his illness, his symptoms and to teach him that it was a requirement for him to help manage his symptoms and to learn to help himself. Part of helping himself was to tell me IF he ever felt the desire to hurt or kill himself. As he got older, this was a discussion that was common in our family. We didn’t run from it, we didn’t hide from it. And I taught my son that because we had discussed it so openly, and he knew what it looked like, and felt like, that it had now become a CHOICE that he had control over. And because of that, I could not take away his choice, but he also had a choice on how he affected me as his mother. And I got a written contract from him that he would call me if at anytime he had decided to take his life to give me the chance to see him and say goodbye. As ludicrous as this sounds, I insisted he write it out and sign it. He was 16 at the time. When he was 21, this contract was put into affect. He made that call. And of course, because I reminded him of his agreement to me, I was able to get him to agree to see me. I lied to him and said I would not interfere. I, of course, whisked him away to the hospital and today, we have a very happy son, working hard on his recovery treatment plan.
This might seem silly. But the point is, we did not wait till he was 20 and suicidal to help him deal with that issue. Dealing with suicide was something the entire family began dealing with when he was 13. So when a “break” happened for him mentally, there was instilled in him a behavior and an attitude to fall back on, even in the depths of his despair.
I think through our love, we often are misguided and we misjudge just how much our loved ones with mental illness are capable of and how much they should be held accountable of. We are so busy trying to protect them and keep them safe, we forget that we are still dealing with a human with a soul. They have the same rights as we do, even if their mental processes work differently. If given better tools and more choices, wouldn’t it seem right that even when their brains are chaotic, it would still be more likely for them to make better choices if they knew how?
I look back on my family history and the stories told about many of my ancestors. My son wasn’t the first person in my family to have bipolar disorder. He was just the first to have a diagnosis and receive treatment.
What I ponder often though, is for the most part, my family is made up of people who held jobs, had families and were considered successful and well thought of in the community. WE have some wild, and I do mean wild stories about their activities from time to time. But overall, they had productive lives. And I’ve asked a few of them that are still alive if they are happy. And all of them had said the same. They have been content with their lives, but it’s the Wild Stories that made living fun.
But what helped them AFTER the wild story events was the support and help of the families to keep them on level ground and get them back on track. It was the families that were there by their side and gave them the strength to go on and it was the families that gave them the most peace.
I want more than a successful recovery for my children. I want a cure. But the one thing I know I can give them is support. And sometimes that support means they will do dumb things. That means sometimes they will be ill, and that sometimes they will need help getting better. And until the medical profession and the system can give them something better, I am the best thing that they have.
Educate yourself. Empower yourself. Have an accountability system for your entire family. Teach this to everyone you know. Then things will be not just different – they will be better.
Between 'crazy' and 'committed'
The idea of a Britney's Law struck a nerve with families in similar situations.
Patt Morrison
February 14, 2008
It's Valentine's Day, and one family is showing its love by showing up in court. Britney Spears' parents plan to ask a judge to keep her under their care and supervision. Try finding a hearts-and-flowers card for that -- "To our daughter, we love you, please go back into the hospital."
Last month, I used Spears' very public mental torment to illustrate how a 40-year-old California law created to give mental patients dignity and legal protection has backfired. The bar is now so high for mandatory treatment that it's almost impossible to order mental patients to get care unless they physically endanger themselves or others, or cross the line from irrational to illegal so that jail becomes their mental hospital. The 1969 law was "the Magna Carta of mental healthcare," but in later years, even its coauthor worried that the pendulum had swung too far.
Give us a Britney's Law to remedy that, I wrote. The responses startled me for their volume and passion. Today, on a day dedicated to love, here are stories from loving, despairing families that echo what the Spearses said: "As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed to learn that, over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter Britney was released from the hospital. ... We are deeply concerned about our daughter's safety and vulnerability, and we believe her life is [currently] at risk."
My in-box was chockablock with e-mails from mental health nurses, patients, social workers -- but mostly desperate and fearful families.
A former colleague's relative went off the rails, but the family could do nothing because the man didn't believe there was anything wrong with him. Nancy, in Georgia, whose son is bipolar, told me, "There is no more frustrating situation than watching while one's child refuses all help and treatment because they do not have the insight to realize they have a mental illness."
Two stories moved me especially. Jennifer e-mailed from Florida, where she takes care of her four children and her ailing mother. Her homeless, depressed 31-year-old brother, Kevin, hanged himself in El Cajon a week before Christmas. He had already tried to commit suicide twice, with dozens of pills, in a single week. The first time, a friend found Kevin unconscious. After the second time, he checked himself into the hospital and was put on a 72-hour involuntary "hold." It was horrible, he told his sister; he didn't want to stay. Jennifer tried to learn more about his condition and was told that she wasn't legally entitled. He hanged himself two weeks and change after he left the hospital, on Dec. 18.
"I was so upset that they didn't keep him longer," Jennifer told me. "He needed help and, had he gotten it, he would be here today. He should have been evaluated longer."
Then there's the Central Valley man we'll call Charles. His wife developed psychotic depression. Medication made her "a responsible individual," he told me. But then she stopped taking her meds and stopped seeing her psychiatrist.
Charles' seven-page e-mail chronicled a decade of anguish. "I soon found out that the mentally ill have more rights ... than the average citizen." When Charles' wife was hospitalized last year in bad mental and physical shape, the emergency room doctor said "he understood my frustration, but his hands were tied." She seemed lucid enough; she wanted out.
Charles raised a lump in my throat with this: "Mental illness has stolen the vibrant spirit and personality of a daughter, wife and mother. ... Even though my wife is no longer the woman I married, I still love her [but] the stress is overwhelming." Why, he asked, haven't lawmakers fixed this?
One man who's made mental healthcare his concern is Democrat Darrell Steinberg, the next state Senate president pro tem. He led the charge for Proposition 63, which raised over a billion bucks for community mental health, taxing millionaires like Britney Spears to help people who may share her mental state but not her bank balance.
Forty years ago, when the state made it harder to commit people against their will, it pledged to create more local outpatient mental services. Because it didn't make good on its pledge, there's never been much available in the way of care between "crazy" and "commitment." It's the missing link in mental health, and Steinberg thinks Proposition 63 can fill it. But "it's going to take time," he told me. "You don't make up for 40 years of neglect in one or two or three years."
But even a year sounds like a lifetime for Charles and families like his, who love and suffer in equal measure.
There are a lot of people doing dangerous and unsafe things in this world – that affect themselves and others. We have the smokers (second hand smoke) the drinkers (DUI and accidents), people abusing drugs, both legal and illegal (See drinkers), overeaters (while their health may be at risk, they just seem to irritate the rest of the world, especially people on planes) None of these people are forced into medical facilities for their own good. My own father just entered the hospital where they found he had almost bled out completely due to some colon issues. I have been asking him to get a check up for months. While I worried, nagged and begged, should I really have the right to “MAKE’ him go see a doctor?
First and foremost, my children, both who have been unsafe in the past and have committed illegal acts, are human beings, just like me – just like you. They have dreams, maybe not like ours, but they have their own dreams and desires. Secondly, they have an illness that does affect what they think, what they say and what they do. However, mandatory lock up in a hospital or any other facility is not going to inspire my kids to want to be “normal” It didn’t and it won’t. Let’s compare the cold, hard walls of a sterile, uncaring environment of a hospital to the roller coaster ride of mania, then depression and then back to mania. Hey, the manic roller coaster will win every time. Yes, while they are in the hospital, they get medication that gets them “level”. First off, they don’t want to be level. Level is boring. Secondly, once they are level, they are now in a place mentally to realize that their life is on a downhill slide and they have a lot of work and time before they can ever be at an ‘average” place of daily functioning. On top of that they are expected to try and get a job, find friends who are level and not doing drugs and learn to pay bills and balance a check book. Even if they are able to do this mentally, emotionally this is overwhelming. And I don’t believe that this changes as they get older until they have had a long term period of successful recovery.
The other side of this story is even when in the hospital, they were allowed to stay, not to rest, not to get therapy, but only to get level. Then they were bundled up and sent home. This used to really make me angry. But later, what I realized was, if I could stay healthy, rested and calm, home really was the best environment for my kids. I cared for them. I empathized with them and I did not let them or myself become debilitated by sympathy and sorrow. We pushed through the bad times – together. And the one thing they never got from the system that they really needed was life skills. As I’ve watched my children grow into adults, I see that all they survivor skills that have made a difference in their abilities to be successful, they received at home – from me, their dad, their grandparents.
Mandatory lock up is not what is missing. What is missing is the daily support emotionally that helps our loved ones get through “bad days”. What is missing is an accountability system that holds them responsible for checking their mental temperature and seeking help before the pilot light on their brain explodes, blowing the whole system up. What is lacking is a medical system that treats our loved ones as people with dignity and the right to control their lives and them giving the tools to do so, PREVENTING the melt downs before they do loose control over the quality of their daily lives.
Britney did not get to the place where she is today overnight. This has been coming for YEARS! Where was her family, her friends, her medical treatment plan BEFORE she married her childhood sweetheart for 55 hours? Intervention should have happened then, not years later after a second marriage and divorce and two children had been born.
Other groups that offer support for ill people have stepped up to the plate and put procedures into place that have nothing to do with the law or with medical facilities. Family interventions are common for people with alcoholism. These interventions include family members, friends AND the people involved in the support system of AA.
What would happened if we could gather ten loving, people in our home to set down and talk to our loved one about their behavior and decision making process BEFORE we became so fearful we longed to be able to lock our loved one into a facility?
And that is what is driving us right now – fear. WE want them safe, we want them mentally sound and we want to be able to see that they are alright. And we can’t do that if they are roaming the streets or in jail.
But what if we were driven by Education and Empowerment? And because we were driven by positive traits, we are now able to intercede before it becomes a fearful situation.
We can not improve our medical treatments and what is available to people with mental illness overnight. Educating ourselves and empowering ourselves though is something that we can start right now.
Here is an example of what that can do for you and your family. I had a brother who committed suicide in his mid 20’s. Consequently, I read everything I could about suicide, the warning signs – just everything I could find. When my son was diagnosed with a mental illness at a early age, I did not hesitate to talk to him about his illness, his symptoms and to teach him that it was a requirement for him to help manage his symptoms and to learn to help himself. Part of helping himself was to tell me IF he ever felt the desire to hurt or kill himself. As he got older, this was a discussion that was common in our family. We didn’t run from it, we didn’t hide from it. And I taught my son that because we had discussed it so openly, and he knew what it looked like, and felt like, that it had now become a CHOICE that he had control over. And because of that, I could not take away his choice, but he also had a choice on how he affected me as his mother. And I got a written contract from him that he would call me if at anytime he had decided to take his life to give me the chance to see him and say goodbye. As ludicrous as this sounds, I insisted he write it out and sign it. He was 16 at the time. When he was 21, this contract was put into affect. He made that call. And of course, because I reminded him of his agreement to me, I was able to get him to agree to see me. I lied to him and said I would not interfere. I, of course, whisked him away to the hospital and today, we have a very happy son, working hard on his recovery treatment plan.
This might seem silly. But the point is, we did not wait till he was 20 and suicidal to help him deal with that issue. Dealing with suicide was something the entire family began dealing with when he was 13. So when a “break” happened for him mentally, there was instilled in him a behavior and an attitude to fall back on, even in the depths of his despair.
I think through our love, we often are misguided and we misjudge just how much our loved ones with mental illness are capable of and how much they should be held accountable of. We are so busy trying to protect them and keep them safe, we forget that we are still dealing with a human with a soul. They have the same rights as we do, even if their mental processes work differently. If given better tools and more choices, wouldn’t it seem right that even when their brains are chaotic, it would still be more likely for them to make better choices if they knew how?
I look back on my family history and the stories told about many of my ancestors. My son wasn’t the first person in my family to have bipolar disorder. He was just the first to have a diagnosis and receive treatment.
What I ponder often though, is for the most part, my family is made up of people who held jobs, had families and were considered successful and well thought of in the community. WE have some wild, and I do mean wild stories about their activities from time to time. But overall, they had productive lives. And I’ve asked a few of them that are still alive if they are happy. And all of them had said the same. They have been content with their lives, but it’s the Wild Stories that made living fun.
But what helped them AFTER the wild story events was the support and help of the families to keep them on level ground and get them back on track. It was the families that were there by their side and gave them the strength to go on and it was the families that gave them the most peace.
I want more than a successful recovery for my children. I want a cure. But the one thing I know I can give them is support. And sometimes that support means they will do dumb things. That means sometimes they will be ill, and that sometimes they will need help getting better. And until the medical profession and the system can give them something better, I am the best thing that they have.
Educate yourself. Empower yourself. Have an accountability system for your entire family. Teach this to everyone you know. Then things will be not just different – they will be better.
Between 'crazy' and 'committed'
The idea of a Britney's Law struck a nerve with families in similar situations.
Patt Morrison
February 14, 2008
It's Valentine's Day, and one family is showing its love by showing up in court. Britney Spears' parents plan to ask a judge to keep her under their care and supervision. Try finding a hearts-and-flowers card for that -- "To our daughter, we love you, please go back into the hospital."
Last month, I used Spears' very public mental torment to illustrate how a 40-year-old California law created to give mental patients dignity and legal protection has backfired. The bar is now so high for mandatory treatment that it's almost impossible to order mental patients to get care unless they physically endanger themselves or others, or cross the line from irrational to illegal so that jail becomes their mental hospital. The 1969 law was "the Magna Carta of mental healthcare," but in later years, even its coauthor worried that the pendulum had swung too far.
Give us a Britney's Law to remedy that, I wrote. The responses startled me for their volume and passion. Today, on a day dedicated to love, here are stories from loving, despairing families that echo what the Spearses said: "As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed to learn that, over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter Britney was released from the hospital. ... We are deeply concerned about our daughter's safety and vulnerability, and we believe her life is [currently] at risk."
My in-box was chockablock with e-mails from mental health nurses, patients, social workers -- but mostly desperate and fearful families.
A former colleague's relative went off the rails, but the family could do nothing because the man didn't believe there was anything wrong with him. Nancy, in Georgia, whose son is bipolar, told me, "There is no more frustrating situation than watching while one's child refuses all help and treatment because they do not have the insight to realize they have a mental illness."
Two stories moved me especially. Jennifer e-mailed from Florida, where she takes care of her four children and her ailing mother. Her homeless, depressed 31-year-old brother, Kevin, hanged himself in El Cajon a week before Christmas. He had already tried to commit suicide twice, with dozens of pills, in a single week. The first time, a friend found Kevin unconscious. After the second time, he checked himself into the hospital and was put on a 72-hour involuntary "hold." It was horrible, he told his sister; he didn't want to stay. Jennifer tried to learn more about his condition and was told that she wasn't legally entitled. He hanged himself two weeks and change after he left the hospital, on Dec. 18.
"I was so upset that they didn't keep him longer," Jennifer told me. "He needed help and, had he gotten it, he would be here today. He should have been evaluated longer."
Then there's the Central Valley man we'll call Charles. His wife developed psychotic depression. Medication made her "a responsible individual," he told me. But then she stopped taking her meds and stopped seeing her psychiatrist.
Charles' seven-page e-mail chronicled a decade of anguish. "I soon found out that the mentally ill have more rights ... than the average citizen." When Charles' wife was hospitalized last year in bad mental and physical shape, the emergency room doctor said "he understood my frustration, but his hands were tied." She seemed lucid enough; she wanted out.
Charles raised a lump in my throat with this: "Mental illness has stolen the vibrant spirit and personality of a daughter, wife and mother. ... Even though my wife is no longer the woman I married, I still love her [but] the stress is overwhelming." Why, he asked, haven't lawmakers fixed this?
One man who's made mental healthcare his concern is Democrat Darrell Steinberg, the next state Senate president pro tem. He led the charge for Proposition 63, which raised over a billion bucks for community mental health, taxing millionaires like Britney Spears to help people who may share her mental state but not her bank balance.
Forty years ago, when the state made it harder to commit people against their will, it pledged to create more local outpatient mental services. Because it didn't make good on its pledge, there's never been much available in the way of care between "crazy" and "commitment." It's the missing link in mental health, and Steinberg thinks Proposition 63 can fill it. But "it's going to take time," he told me. "You don't make up for 40 years of neglect in one or two or three years."
But even a year sounds like a lifetime for Charles and families like his, who love and suffer in equal measure.
Friday, February 1, 2008
If you had to pick, which would you pick - Romance, Sex, Love or Committment?
January is often times a month of reflection for me as it is probably for a lot of you. I am going over the past year and making plans for the new year and how to improve it or at least maybe make changes.
Also, I am coming up to that big 50 year in my life. Shocking to think about as I really don’t feel older than 22. But if I had only been so wise as 22…grin.
So I won’t think about time as in years but in experiences. I’ve had many experiences to draw upon. One thing I was pondering was how sex, romance, love and commitment all draw from one another and in a perfect world, you have all four at one time, hopefully in one relationship. But more often, if you have two out of four, it can be a fairly satisfying relationship. But experience has taught me that even with love, love is not enough to sustain a relationship under the wear and tear of daily living if you don’t have commitment.
And finally, even without romance, sex and love, if you have commitment, you can get through the very roughest of times.
Love is a strong, compelling emotion that has no reason or thought behind it for the most part.
Commitment on the other hand is a pledge, a promise, to obligate yourself to. This takes a conscious thought process that one puts yourself into and maybe it is emotionally base, maybe it is goal based, but it is almost always based upon a morality or character trait that propels you toward whatever you are committing to.
If you look at the word pledge, it means something delivered as security for the payment of a debt or fulfillment of a promise, and subject to forfeiture on failure to pay or fulfill the promise. So while love may hold a promise that attracts us to the person whom we feel love for, commitment is the fulfillment of that promise that attracted us in the first place. Love may be what brings us together but commitment is what keeps us together when love and all the things that are the foundation of love – romance and sex, don’t fulfill us during times of trouble and stress.
But how long can a person live on commitment alone? When do we decide that sex and romance are no longer desired or required for a life that would still be full of promises and expectations? I watched my mother take care of my stepfather for many years as his mind slowly regressed. He became more and more like a child and an unruly and bitter child, at that. My mother fed him, cared for him, doctored him and saw to his every need, all the while, caring for their home, their assets, their finances. She had made a commitment to be his partner, but he had stopped being her partner many years prior to his death. However, if she had broken her commitment to him, where would he have gone? Where would he have lived? These were the questions she asked herself and not being satisfied with the answers, she continued her commitment.
She continued to be committed to a man that she no longer even knew and before his life ended, he was more of a child to her than the man she had loved and married and committed to. Romance had been gone for over ten years. Sex followed the way of romance shortly after that. Did love follow as well, maybe more slowly? I have never asked her that. But I know that commitment never died, even when she went days without a conversation from the man who share her home with her.
So this thing called commitment… this pledge, this promise – it may not bring us happiness in the sense of gaiety and fun, but it defines us and gives us a place in life that we can count on and sense of who we are. And it isn’t complex at all. It’s about treating others they way we would want to be treated ourselves. So if my mother ever needs care as she grows older, she knows I am committed to her and her well being, just as she was to my stepfather. And she knows I do it not out of a sense of obligation, but because I love her. But it’s also because I love myself. And I want to know that I am the kind of person who can make a promise and fulfill it. It gives life meaning to know what commitment is and fulfill it, don’t you think?
I have loved several people in my life. If I believe what I have been told, I have been loved by several people in my life. However, the ones that truly impacted me fall under two categories –
The unexpected acts of kindness and sacrifice
Those who made commitments and kept them, even when it was Inconvenience or not pleasant.
So maybe commitment is not without love but is love with something added. Maybe it is love plus sacrifice.
But that brings us to another topic for later. Thanks for reading.
Also, I am coming up to that big 50 year in my life. Shocking to think about as I really don’t feel older than 22. But if I had only been so wise as 22…grin.
So I won’t think about time as in years but in experiences. I’ve had many experiences to draw upon. One thing I was pondering was how sex, romance, love and commitment all draw from one another and in a perfect world, you have all four at one time, hopefully in one relationship. But more often, if you have two out of four, it can be a fairly satisfying relationship. But experience has taught me that even with love, love is not enough to sustain a relationship under the wear and tear of daily living if you don’t have commitment.
And finally, even without romance, sex and love, if you have commitment, you can get through the very roughest of times.
Love is a strong, compelling emotion that has no reason or thought behind it for the most part.
Commitment on the other hand is a pledge, a promise, to obligate yourself to. This takes a conscious thought process that one puts yourself into and maybe it is emotionally base, maybe it is goal based, but it is almost always based upon a morality or character trait that propels you toward whatever you are committing to.
If you look at the word pledge, it means something delivered as security for the payment of a debt or fulfillment of a promise, and subject to forfeiture on failure to pay or fulfill the promise. So while love may hold a promise that attracts us to the person whom we feel love for, commitment is the fulfillment of that promise that attracted us in the first place. Love may be what brings us together but commitment is what keeps us together when love and all the things that are the foundation of love – romance and sex, don’t fulfill us during times of trouble and stress.
But how long can a person live on commitment alone? When do we decide that sex and romance are no longer desired or required for a life that would still be full of promises and expectations? I watched my mother take care of my stepfather for many years as his mind slowly regressed. He became more and more like a child and an unruly and bitter child, at that. My mother fed him, cared for him, doctored him and saw to his every need, all the while, caring for their home, their assets, their finances. She had made a commitment to be his partner, but he had stopped being her partner many years prior to his death. However, if she had broken her commitment to him, where would he have gone? Where would he have lived? These were the questions she asked herself and not being satisfied with the answers, she continued her commitment.
She continued to be committed to a man that she no longer even knew and before his life ended, he was more of a child to her than the man she had loved and married and committed to. Romance had been gone for over ten years. Sex followed the way of romance shortly after that. Did love follow as well, maybe more slowly? I have never asked her that. But I know that commitment never died, even when she went days without a conversation from the man who share her home with her.
So this thing called commitment… this pledge, this promise – it may not bring us happiness in the sense of gaiety and fun, but it defines us and gives us a place in life that we can count on and sense of who we are. And it isn’t complex at all. It’s about treating others they way we would want to be treated ourselves. So if my mother ever needs care as she grows older, she knows I am committed to her and her well being, just as she was to my stepfather. And she knows I do it not out of a sense of obligation, but because I love her. But it’s also because I love myself. And I want to know that I am the kind of person who can make a promise and fulfill it. It gives life meaning to know what commitment is and fulfill it, don’t you think?
I have loved several people in my life. If I believe what I have been told, I have been loved by several people in my life. However, the ones that truly impacted me fall under two categories –
The unexpected acts of kindness and sacrifice
Those who made commitments and kept them, even when it was Inconvenience or not pleasant.
So maybe commitment is not without love but is love with something added. Maybe it is love plus sacrifice.
But that brings us to another topic for later. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My book is getting around more than me!
I'm not complaining, but my book is going places I have never been. It is now offered on 26 sites, inlcuding Amazon, Barnes and Noble and is in Canada, UK and Japan! It's exciting but it doesn't sell if people don't know what it is!!!
So any suggesitons on how to promote my book more is greatly appreciated.
In case you don't know, it's a true story about my son, Josh and what his life was like growing up with bipolar disorder, but it's written as a children's book so anyone can understand it. It is also illustrated in a style similar to his as a child.
I've sold a few copies and it is getting good reviews and great feedback from the families that are reading it.
I am self publishing so no high powered publisher is pushing or promoting so with that in mind, maybe you can forgive my blatant efforts!
If you read it (you can buy a less expensive version as a download book on lulu.com/celtwolfe), I would love your response to it. Email me at celtwolfe@gmail.com.
Thanks!
So any suggesitons on how to promote my book more is greatly appreciated.
In case you don't know, it's a true story about my son, Josh and what his life was like growing up with bipolar disorder, but it's written as a children's book so anyone can understand it. It is also illustrated in a style similar to his as a child.
I've sold a few copies and it is getting good reviews and great feedback from the families that are reading it.
I am self publishing so no high powered publisher is pushing or promoting so with that in mind, maybe you can forgive my blatant efforts!
If you read it (you can buy a less expensive version as a download book on lulu.com/celtwolfe), I would love your response to it. Email me at celtwolfe@gmail.com.
Thanks!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Better Communications - Better Empathy
When I teach to families, one of the workshops that I truly enjoy teaching is Communications. Our focus during this class is to learn how to speak, using our core emotions to convey our thoughts. For example instead of saying I am mad that you missed curfew, what you are really feeling is fear and frustration. Fear for your child’s safety and frustration that they are disrespecting you and your values by not abiding by your rules as the parent.
So we practice saying things that convey the real issues. It’s hard, it’s awkward and at times a person has to really think and dig to figure out what they really feel. It appears at times that we have become a two emotion society – if we aren’t pissed off, then we are complacent. When something takes away our ability to be complacent, then we are pissed.
Granted, emotions can be very basic, but come on…… to position ourselves where we only operate off two emotions!!! How do we allow that to happen?
Also, if we can not get past knowing if we are mad or complacent, meaning if we can’t even define our own emotions, how do we begin to read the emotions of others?
The first step to developing empathy is being able to understand the other person’s position, how they got there and what it feels like. If we can not even do that for ourselves, is it any wonder, that political correctness has become the safe replacement for true empathy?
And the irony of this is, that once you are put back on the path of being able to empathize, the gift is not to the person you are empathizing with, it is to yourself. And you know how I know this? By the looks of calm, peace and relaxation that comes to the people as they practice their new, core emotions based communications. They are better able to express themselves, better able to understand the other person and ultimately, get better solutions. Now why wouldn’t they feel better?
So we practice saying things that convey the real issues. It’s hard, it’s awkward and at times a person has to really think and dig to figure out what they really feel. It appears at times that we have become a two emotion society – if we aren’t pissed off, then we are complacent. When something takes away our ability to be complacent, then we are pissed.
Granted, emotions can be very basic, but come on…… to position ourselves where we only operate off two emotions!!! How do we allow that to happen?
Also, if we can not get past knowing if we are mad or complacent, meaning if we can’t even define our own emotions, how do we begin to read the emotions of others?
The first step to developing empathy is being able to understand the other person’s position, how they got there and what it feels like. If we can not even do that for ourselves, is it any wonder, that political correctness has become the safe replacement for true empathy?
And the irony of this is, that once you are put back on the path of being able to empathize, the gift is not to the person you are empathizing with, it is to yourself. And you know how I know this? By the looks of calm, peace and relaxation that comes to the people as they practice their new, core emotions based communications. They are better able to express themselves, better able to understand the other person and ultimately, get better solutions. Now why wouldn’t they feel better?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Never Underestimate the Spirit!
Well the webiste is up but we are still working out the kinks. Never underestimate the spirit isa project formed by the Council of Families for Children. It is designed to be a support system, blog, fourm, resource and networking site for young adults with mental illness.
What you can expect to find on this site as it pogresses will be links to other sites and organizations, classes, forums for asking and sharing information and a place to post about yourself in an effort to start soical groups and meet new friends.
The kinks are just being identified, but stop by and register now and play around with the different features!
http://www.nutsaboutu.com
What you can expect to find on this site as it pogresses will be links to other sites and organizations, classes, forums for asking and sharing information and a place to post about yourself in an effort to start soical groups and meet new friends.
The kinks are just being identified, but stop by and register now and play around with the different features!
http://www.nutsaboutu.com
Monday, January 7, 2008
It is still the best of times..... because I'm alive
I know that I spend a lot time talking about mental health, mental illness and everything around those subjects. Today, I have a flight of whimsy I hope you’ll join me on. After all, the blog is called “Why aren’t we talking about this?” which leaves us a whole list of things to discuss.
I have finally realized the truth about middle age. It is not so much about an age or number but how your mind, spirit and body are on a route at different rates of time.
In my mind, I am still 16. I am passionate about many of the same things I was in high school. I become indignant about all the hateful things in this world that seem so easy to eradicate but never seem to go away – discrimination, hate, deceitfulness, and the basic corruption of a man’s soul. These things troubled me then and trouble me today.
And in other ways, I am still 16. Young men from the ages of 22 – 28 excited me then and today they still do. Back then they were “Older men” and today they are so much younger, it almost rankles on the edge of moral and spiritual indecency. But those young bodies full of promise and ripe with plans for future still are enticing, but maybe,… just maybe, slightly different reasons. Before there was the promise of pleasure and passion. Now, when I look at them I see the promise of life to be fulfilled and yet to be lived… and yes, I still see and feel passion… I said I was middle aged, not dead!
Physically, I know I can’t attract these vessels of masculinity like I once could. And I guess a part of me is relieved about that. What if this aging body with the young mind and spirit could not keep up? Would my spirit then wither and dry up and die away? Or is it the idea of what youth was and what it always will be that keeps my blood pumping and mind jumping with ideas? Another part of me is a bit aggravated that I can’t laugh and wink my way into their hearts. If these young men are no longer available for me t practice my flirtatious ways, where will I practice them now? Older men are tired – sometimes too tired for the game of flirtation or they’re so cranky they have even forgotten what flirting is about. Flirting is that harmless act of verbal banter that reminds us, in spite of all the things in this world that tries to makes us asexual, there really is a difference between the boys and the girls and that difference is wonderful.
So middle age is about the realization that once you have a lot of things figured out and can finally appreciate them, your don’t have the time or maybe even the energy or the resources to carry on in such a manner. And that makes all the things you hadn’t given thought to before, a major degree of importance that you may have been overlooking.
Conversations with old friends are now cherished instead of discarded as being superficial and regaled as “just not being enough to keep me interested”.
Courtesies from strangers such as a “thank you” or a holding open a door can oftentimes turn a sour day into one of appreciation and thanksgiving. Good manners, that things I once touted as being “regimented brainwashing” is now perceived as a strangers way of saying to me “I see you and you matter.” So I’ve developed an appreciation for the finer but at the same time simpler things in life at this point.
So middle age, while maybe not a period of time for celebration, it’s definitely not a time for mourning either. It is just a time to be… who you are, and to appreciate who you were and to look forward to who you will be.
As Mick well knows, “Time, time, time – is on my side, yes it is.” And he’s still singing it, wearing his orthopedic shoes. Rock on.
I have finally realized the truth about middle age. It is not so much about an age or number but how your mind, spirit and body are on a route at different rates of time.
In my mind, I am still 16. I am passionate about many of the same things I was in high school. I become indignant about all the hateful things in this world that seem so easy to eradicate but never seem to go away – discrimination, hate, deceitfulness, and the basic corruption of a man’s soul. These things troubled me then and trouble me today.
And in other ways, I am still 16. Young men from the ages of 22 – 28 excited me then and today they still do. Back then they were “Older men” and today they are so much younger, it almost rankles on the edge of moral and spiritual indecency. But those young bodies full of promise and ripe with plans for future still are enticing, but maybe,… just maybe, slightly different reasons. Before there was the promise of pleasure and passion. Now, when I look at them I see the promise of life to be fulfilled and yet to be lived… and yes, I still see and feel passion… I said I was middle aged, not dead!
Physically, I know I can’t attract these vessels of masculinity like I once could. And I guess a part of me is relieved about that. What if this aging body with the young mind and spirit could not keep up? Would my spirit then wither and dry up and die away? Or is it the idea of what youth was and what it always will be that keeps my blood pumping and mind jumping with ideas? Another part of me is a bit aggravated that I can’t laugh and wink my way into their hearts. If these young men are no longer available for me t practice my flirtatious ways, where will I practice them now? Older men are tired – sometimes too tired for the game of flirtation or they’re so cranky they have even forgotten what flirting is about. Flirting is that harmless act of verbal banter that reminds us, in spite of all the things in this world that tries to makes us asexual, there really is a difference between the boys and the girls and that difference is wonderful.
So middle age is about the realization that once you have a lot of things figured out and can finally appreciate them, your don’t have the time or maybe even the energy or the resources to carry on in such a manner. And that makes all the things you hadn’t given thought to before, a major degree of importance that you may have been overlooking.
Conversations with old friends are now cherished instead of discarded as being superficial and regaled as “just not being enough to keep me interested”.
Courtesies from strangers such as a “thank you” or a holding open a door can oftentimes turn a sour day into one of appreciation and thanksgiving. Good manners, that things I once touted as being “regimented brainwashing” is now perceived as a strangers way of saying to me “I see you and you matter.” So I’ve developed an appreciation for the finer but at the same time simpler things in life at this point.
So middle age, while maybe not a period of time for celebration, it’s definitely not a time for mourning either. It is just a time to be… who you are, and to appreciate who you were and to look forward to who you will be.
As Mick well knows, “Time, time, time – is on my side, yes it is.” And he’s still singing it, wearing his orthopedic shoes. Rock on.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Something for Mental Illness besides medication??? Really???
So much controversy about medications for mental illness – should I take them? Why can’t I find the ones that work well for me and not give me side affects such as
Weight gain
Sleepiness
Liver and Kidney problems
Heart problems
Parkinson like symptoms
And on and on.
It isn’t hard for me to understand why people might get discouraged and not want to take medication for their mental illness symptoms.
And then there is the debate about medicating children and if you medicate them at what age? And we don’t know how these medications affect their growth and later on in life since we have not been offering these type of medications to children for very long.
While I never questions whether my son should have taken meds at age 13 (he found a life after taking medication) I am seriously questioning it for my daughter. At age 17, she still has not been able to find a medication regiment that keeps her at a level that allows her to feel content and function at an “average” level for her age.
If you have read my book about Joshua – “Joshua Wears a Red Cape”, you know that we did try and we do support as a family, alternative treatments. Biofeedback is a must for everyone in my mind for pain control, health sleep cycles and just overall good mental health. We did allergy testing as well and for a while did “supplements”, but without great success.
I however, do not do well on pain meds when I have surgery and do not use them for a back that has two bulging disks or for my fibromyalgia. Homeopathic supplements work best for me for my pain symptoms.
And now, I am considering something similar for my daughter. Medication is NOT working for her. And with it comes too much sleep and too much weight gain.
After doing some research, I found several writings from Margot Kidder (Lois Lane in the Superman movies with Christopher Reeve). She was found several years back, not knowing where she was or who she was. Now she professes to have a very full life and one that she is in control of by taking the right vitamins.
Below is her regiment. I am very interested in your comments and if you have any experience with supplements for any type of mental disorder, I hope you choose to share with me your results.
Read below for what Lois Lane found to save her life better than Superman:
Margot Kidder’s Vitamin regiment
MORNING
1000 mg of L-Tyrosine
500 mg of L-Glutamine
(Note: Glutamine is a stimulant and can trigger mania, so is only used if a stimulant is needed.)
500 mg combination of choline and inositol
Nature's Life soft gelatin multiple vitamin (it digests better than pills and has extra B vitamins. This provides the nutrients the amino acids need to work)
EVENING
500 - 1000 mg of L-Taurine
500 mg GABA (if a little hyper, can take 1000-2000 mg)
1000 mg L-tryptophan (doctor's prescription needed)
Nature's Life soft gelatin multiple vitamin
AS NEEDED
500 mg Phenylalaline to boost mood
Weight gain
Sleepiness
Liver and Kidney problems
Heart problems
Parkinson like symptoms
And on and on.
It isn’t hard for me to understand why people might get discouraged and not want to take medication for their mental illness symptoms.
And then there is the debate about medicating children and if you medicate them at what age? And we don’t know how these medications affect their growth and later on in life since we have not been offering these type of medications to children for very long.
While I never questions whether my son should have taken meds at age 13 (he found a life after taking medication) I am seriously questioning it for my daughter. At age 17, she still has not been able to find a medication regiment that keeps her at a level that allows her to feel content and function at an “average” level for her age.
If you have read my book about Joshua – “Joshua Wears a Red Cape”, you know that we did try and we do support as a family, alternative treatments. Biofeedback is a must for everyone in my mind for pain control, health sleep cycles and just overall good mental health. We did allergy testing as well and for a while did “supplements”, but without great success.
I however, do not do well on pain meds when I have surgery and do not use them for a back that has two bulging disks or for my fibromyalgia. Homeopathic supplements work best for me for my pain symptoms.
And now, I am considering something similar for my daughter. Medication is NOT working for her. And with it comes too much sleep and too much weight gain.
After doing some research, I found several writings from Margot Kidder (Lois Lane in the Superman movies with Christopher Reeve). She was found several years back, not knowing where she was or who she was. Now she professes to have a very full life and one that she is in control of by taking the right vitamins.
Below is her regiment. I am very interested in your comments and if you have any experience with supplements for any type of mental disorder, I hope you choose to share with me your results.
Read below for what Lois Lane found to save her life better than Superman:
Margot Kidder’s Vitamin regiment
MORNING
1000 mg of L-Tyrosine
500 mg of L-Glutamine
(Note: Glutamine is a stimulant and can trigger mania, so is only used if a stimulant is needed.)
500 mg combination of choline and inositol
Nature's Life soft gelatin multiple vitamin (it digests better than pills and has extra B vitamins. This provides the nutrients the amino acids need to work)
EVENING
500 - 1000 mg of L-Taurine
500 mg GABA (if a little hyper, can take 1000-2000 mg)
1000 mg L-tryptophan (doctor's prescription needed)
Nature's Life soft gelatin multiple vitamin
AS NEEDED
500 mg Phenylalaline to boost mood
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Recovery? - I want cure!
I want to thank all of you that read my blog and send me private emails. The blog has proven to be helpful for me, and I am pleased also to others. I try to post to it at least twice a week and am currently working on an article related to the recent poll that was active on the blog.
I welcome all your emails and comments. I thank you all for your support. If you have any ideas or subjects you would like to run a poll on and have a running commentary about, please email me or post a comment directly to the blog.
It seems that we (meaning all of us NAMI advocates and members) are needed more than ever. Did you know there is a group that focuses on infants and mental health?
You can find their website at http://www.taimh.org/
Of course, we VFT teachers knew this need was growing. In our VFT classes, we have had parents with children as young as 2 being treated for bipolar disorder. Autism and Asperger Disorders are getting younger and younger diagnosis, with a higher success in a recovery plan, because of early diagnosis.
While I am happy to know that awareness is growing, part of me is sad to know that not even our babies are safe from these illnesses. If you visit the above mentioned website, you will see they have a conference coming up with loads of workshops that look interesting. So take a peak, why not?
We talk about successful recovery. I am ready to talk about prevention and finding cures, aren’t you? I know that is not something most of us are going to see in our lifetime, but can’t we start pushing for it now? Just today, the military announced the use of a more sophisticated brain scan to study brain injuries in our war vets. If biological components can be found that are related to PTS and anxiety and other kinds of symptoms, can a cure for some of the brain disorders be far behind?
I wish you all a Happy New Year that is blessed with health and recovery. My most recent blog discusses how relapses affect the entire family. So I am sincere when I wish ALL of us health and recovery.
My best to you all.
I welcome all your emails and comments. I thank you all for your support. If you have any ideas or subjects you would like to run a poll on and have a running commentary about, please email me or post a comment directly to the blog.
It seems that we (meaning all of us NAMI advocates and members) are needed more than ever. Did you know there is a group that focuses on infants and mental health?
You can find their website at http://www.taimh.org/
Of course, we VFT teachers knew this need was growing. In our VFT classes, we have had parents with children as young as 2 being treated for bipolar disorder. Autism and Asperger Disorders are getting younger and younger diagnosis, with a higher success in a recovery plan, because of early diagnosis.
While I am happy to know that awareness is growing, part of me is sad to know that not even our babies are safe from these illnesses. If you visit the above mentioned website, you will see they have a conference coming up with loads of workshops that look interesting. So take a peak, why not?
We talk about successful recovery. I am ready to talk about prevention and finding cures, aren’t you? I know that is not something most of us are going to see in our lifetime, but can’t we start pushing for it now? Just today, the military announced the use of a more sophisticated brain scan to study brain injuries in our war vets. If biological components can be found that are related to PTS and anxiety and other kinds of symptoms, can a cure for some of the brain disorders be far behind?
I wish you all a Happy New Year that is blessed with health and recovery. My most recent blog discusses how relapses affect the entire family. So I am sincere when I wish ALL of us health and recovery.
My best to you all.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Reflections of the year, soon to be past
My husband and I were talking on a weekend retreat we just took. We try to do this once a year to rest and rejuvenate. I am sad to admit, it had been almost two years since we had done this and frankly, that was the topic of our discussion.
HOW had we managed to not take care of ourselves and our marriage by waiting so long to get away, especially since we knew how important these weekends are to us as individuals and as a couple?
I know it's not a good excuse, but it happens to us all. Life got in the way - really got in the way.
At first thought, it seemed that our year had been uneventful - we had a hard time saying any one thing was terrific enough or a beg enough crisis that it had taken over our lives. Then we started thinking back and we actually had to go back to the summer of 2006 to pick up all the pieces of how our lives had been controlling us, and not the other way around.
That is when our lives took on a personality of their own. We were able to identify that as it had happened before - 7 years earlier when Josh's disease had flared and raged and gone on the rampage. so you would think that with our experience, we would have seen it and recognized it and grabbed it by the throat and choked it to death. (This is a metaphor and not aimed to a real person, lest you misunderstand.)
But I have to tell you that while taking things one day at a time can get you through the bad things, it is also a way to let the bad things take control of your days.... one day at a time.
It started out with Caiti's disorder becoming unmanageable and she ran away. This lead to a stay in the hospital. Hospital stays are exhausting for the patient and they are exhausting for the parents. There is family counseling and individual counseling and coordinating with the hospital doctors and keeping the main treatment doctor involved and the blood work that needs to be done with the new meds and keeping the school informed and arranging for a new IEP and getting the school work if they are able to work and if not, arranging for a tutor to catch them up. And this is while they are in the hospital.
When they come home, there are usually three or more med adjustments when you are dealing with teens and working with the school and getting back into a routine with the doctor, the counselor, the schools and at home. These are just the basics.
Then you have the little nuances of what is your teens actual life, like phone, friends and socializing. This have to be put back into place, managed and looked after and often times, the friends are there ready to go and sometimes, they are not. When they are no longer around, this creates its own set of problems that have to be dealt with.
So this took us from august to November. About this time, my stepfather's dementia was worsening, along with other issues due to diabetes and just general failing health. While my mother tended to his needs, I was forming a diligent watch to make sure her health was not failing, particularly her mind. She was home more, with no conversation. (He didn't talk - just watched old westerns on the TV, over and over)
I spent more time on the phone with her since she lived 300 miles away and threatened her with weekend visits to check up on her if she didn't give me a report of weekly activities that she occupied herself with. Of course, her life had begun to mimic the one I had been living of spending time at various doctors, counselors, etc. with her schedule revolving around which doctor was she taking my stepdad to, etc.
Continuing on my home front - the ups and downs of teenage depression that didn't' seem to respond to anything. Compound this by my spouse's growing depression, I found myself chuckling a bit maniacally I must say at times, that the irony of ME being the only one in my family NOT on medication to be some kind of universal crack joke. I had always been the one in the family that was considered odd and out there in my thinking and had lived a life that would be considered by most as unusual. The irony of life is never lost on me and I do believe God to be the greatest comic ever.
And I have to admit, strange as it may sound, I missed being the unusual one! I had never been considered the "stable, reliable" one before and that seemed like an odd cloak to be wearing all of a sudden. But I put it on and have found there are other ways to be unusual - like writing this blog. grin
This past summer, my stepdad died. And then there were all the things that death brings to our door that needed attention - insurance, Social Security benefits, transference of ownership, etc. And even though my mother had had the foresight to put things into a family trust, and they had prepaid their funerals, there was still a ton of paperwork and items that needed her attention for several months afterward.
Then Caiti's disorder crashed and burned when school started again. her anxiety soared and her anger burned everyone it touched. We were back on our own roller coaster ride.
The past four months have been taken up with medical visits, a hospital stay and nuemerous trips and emails to the school and her teachers.
And during all this, my husband and I are trying to run two businesses, have a life that is fulfilling of our own and maintain our marriage.
My way of coping has been to write a children's book and now I am compiling a book of poetry that the two kids and I have written over the years.
Our friends hang in there and wait patiently for when we have both the time and energy to be with them, thank goodness. That is true of the friends we have left. Many of them left us long ago, because they didn't understand or maybe they just didnt' care, (I can't be sure) what we were dealing with and what our kids were dealing with.
One friend even told me once, that I was bad mother, until she was here during a manic break that Josh had when he was 16. Later she broke down crying and told me she had no idea what my life had been like and begged my forgiveness. Moments like that make all the difference in the world, sadly enough. I don't see that friend anymore by her choice, not mine. But it still means a great deal to me that I know she understands and she can maybe share with others who don't.
How does the cliche' go - "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" It is also what happens when your loved ones are sick and when you are comforting them and figthing for them and suffering with them and for them. Life is what happens when you are loving your family and trying to do the best for them.
Life is right now.
HOW had we managed to not take care of ourselves and our marriage by waiting so long to get away, especially since we knew how important these weekends are to us as individuals and as a couple?
I know it's not a good excuse, but it happens to us all. Life got in the way - really got in the way.
At first thought, it seemed that our year had been uneventful - we had a hard time saying any one thing was terrific enough or a beg enough crisis that it had taken over our lives. Then we started thinking back and we actually had to go back to the summer of 2006 to pick up all the pieces of how our lives had been controlling us, and not the other way around.
That is when our lives took on a personality of their own. We were able to identify that as it had happened before - 7 years earlier when Josh's disease had flared and raged and gone on the rampage. so you would think that with our experience, we would have seen it and recognized it and grabbed it by the throat and choked it to death. (This is a metaphor and not aimed to a real person, lest you misunderstand.)
But I have to tell you that while taking things one day at a time can get you through the bad things, it is also a way to let the bad things take control of your days.... one day at a time.
It started out with Caiti's disorder becoming unmanageable and she ran away. This lead to a stay in the hospital. Hospital stays are exhausting for the patient and they are exhausting for the parents. There is family counseling and individual counseling and coordinating with the hospital doctors and keeping the main treatment doctor involved and the blood work that needs to be done with the new meds and keeping the school informed and arranging for a new IEP and getting the school work if they are able to work and if not, arranging for a tutor to catch them up. And this is while they are in the hospital.
When they come home, there are usually three or more med adjustments when you are dealing with teens and working with the school and getting back into a routine with the doctor, the counselor, the schools and at home. These are just the basics.
Then you have the little nuances of what is your teens actual life, like phone, friends and socializing. This have to be put back into place, managed and looked after and often times, the friends are there ready to go and sometimes, they are not. When they are no longer around, this creates its own set of problems that have to be dealt with.
So this took us from august to November. About this time, my stepfather's dementia was worsening, along with other issues due to diabetes and just general failing health. While my mother tended to his needs, I was forming a diligent watch to make sure her health was not failing, particularly her mind. She was home more, with no conversation. (He didn't talk - just watched old westerns on the TV, over and over)
I spent more time on the phone with her since she lived 300 miles away and threatened her with weekend visits to check up on her if she didn't give me a report of weekly activities that she occupied herself with. Of course, her life had begun to mimic the one I had been living of spending time at various doctors, counselors, etc. with her schedule revolving around which doctor was she taking my stepdad to, etc.
Continuing on my home front - the ups and downs of teenage depression that didn't' seem to respond to anything. Compound this by my spouse's growing depression, I found myself chuckling a bit maniacally I must say at times, that the irony of ME being the only one in my family NOT on medication to be some kind of universal crack joke. I had always been the one in the family that was considered odd and out there in my thinking and had lived a life that would be considered by most as unusual. The irony of life is never lost on me and I do believe God to be the greatest comic ever.
And I have to admit, strange as it may sound, I missed being the unusual one! I had never been considered the "stable, reliable" one before and that seemed like an odd cloak to be wearing all of a sudden. But I put it on and have found there are other ways to be unusual - like writing this blog. grin
This past summer, my stepdad died. And then there were all the things that death brings to our door that needed attention - insurance, Social Security benefits, transference of ownership, etc. And even though my mother had had the foresight to put things into a family trust, and they had prepaid their funerals, there was still a ton of paperwork and items that needed her attention for several months afterward.
Then Caiti's disorder crashed and burned when school started again. her anxiety soared and her anger burned everyone it touched. We were back on our own roller coaster ride.
The past four months have been taken up with medical visits, a hospital stay and nuemerous trips and emails to the school and her teachers.
And during all this, my husband and I are trying to run two businesses, have a life that is fulfilling of our own and maintain our marriage.
My way of coping has been to write a children's book and now I am compiling a book of poetry that the two kids and I have written over the years.
Our friends hang in there and wait patiently for when we have both the time and energy to be with them, thank goodness. That is true of the friends we have left. Many of them left us long ago, because they didn't understand or maybe they just didnt' care, (I can't be sure) what we were dealing with and what our kids were dealing with.
One friend even told me once, that I was bad mother, until she was here during a manic break that Josh had when he was 16. Later she broke down crying and told me she had no idea what my life had been like and begged my forgiveness. Moments like that make all the difference in the world, sadly enough. I don't see that friend anymore by her choice, not mine. But it still means a great deal to me that I know she understands and she can maybe share with others who don't.
How does the cliche' go - "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" It is also what happens when your loved ones are sick and when you are comforting them and figthing for them and suffering with them and for them. Life is what happens when you are loving your family and trying to do the best for them.
Life is right now.
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