Reflections of the year, soon to be past

My husband and I were talking on a weekend retreat we just took. We try to do this once a year to rest and rejuvenate. I am sad to admit, it had been almost two years since we had done this and frankly, that was the topic of our discussion.

HOW had we managed to not take care of ourselves and our marriage by waiting so long to get away, especially since we knew how important these weekends are to us as individuals and as a couple?

I know it's not a good excuse, but it happens to us all. Life got in the way - really got in the way.
At first thought, it seemed that our year had been uneventful - we had a hard time saying any one thing was terrific enough or a beg enough crisis that it had taken over our lives. Then we started thinking back and we actually had to go back to the summer of 2006 to pick up all the pieces of how our lives had been controlling us, and not the other way around.

That is when our lives took on a personality of their own. We were able to identify that as it had happened before - 7 years earlier when Josh's disease had flared and raged and gone on the rampage. so you would think that with our experience, we would have seen it and recognized it and grabbed it by the throat and choked it to death. (This is a metaphor and not aimed to a real person, lest you misunderstand.)

But I have to tell you that while taking things one day at a time can get you through the bad things, it is also a way to let the bad things take control of your days.... one day at a time.

It started out with Caiti's disorder becoming unmanageable and she ran away. This lead to a stay in the hospital. Hospital stays are exhausting for the patient and they are exhausting for the parents. There is family counseling and individual counseling and coordinating with the hospital doctors and keeping the main treatment doctor involved and the blood work that needs to be done with the new meds and keeping the school informed and arranging for a new IEP and getting the school work if they are able to work and if not, arranging for a tutor to catch them up. And this is while they are in the hospital.

When they come home, there are usually three or more med adjustments when you are dealing with teens and working with the school and getting back into a routine with the doctor, the counselor, the schools and at home. These are just the basics.

Then you have the little nuances of what is your teens actual life, like phone, friends and socializing. This have to be put back into place, managed and looked after and often times, the friends are there ready to go and sometimes, they are not. When they are no longer around, this creates its own set of problems that have to be dealt with.

So this took us from august to November. About this time, my stepfather's dementia was worsening, along with other issues due to diabetes and just general failing health. While my mother tended to his needs, I was forming a diligent watch to make sure her health was not failing, particularly her mind. She was home more, with no conversation. (He didn't talk - just watched old westerns on the TV, over and over)

I spent more time on the phone with her since she lived 300 miles away and threatened her with weekend visits to check up on her if she didn't give me a report of weekly activities that she occupied herself with. Of course, her life had begun to mimic the one I had been living of spending time at various doctors, counselors, etc. with her schedule revolving around which doctor was she taking my stepdad to, etc.

Continuing on my home front - the ups and downs of teenage depression that didn't' seem to respond to anything. Compound this by my spouse's growing depression, I found myself chuckling a bit maniacally I must say at times, that the irony of ME being the only one in my family NOT on medication to be some kind of universal crack joke. I had always been the one in the family that was considered odd and out there in my thinking and had lived a life that would be considered by most as unusual. The irony of life is never lost on me and I do believe God to be the greatest comic ever.

And I have to admit, strange as it may sound, I missed being the unusual one! I had never been considered the "stable, reliable" one before and that seemed like an odd cloak to be wearing all of a sudden. But I put it on and have found there are other ways to be unusual - like writing this blog. grin

This past summer, my stepdad died. And then there were all the things that death brings to our door that needed attention - insurance, Social Security benefits, transference of ownership, etc. And even though my mother had had the foresight to put things into a family trust, and they had prepaid their funerals, there was still a ton of paperwork and items that needed her attention for several months afterward.

Then Caiti's disorder crashed and burned when school started again. her anxiety soared and her anger burned everyone it touched. We were back on our own roller coaster ride.

The past four months have been taken up with medical visits, a hospital stay and nuemerous trips and emails to the school and her teachers.

And during all this, my husband and I are trying to run two businesses, have a life that is fulfilling of our own and maintain our marriage.

My way of coping has been to write a children's book and now I am compiling a book of poetry that the two kids and I have written over the years.

Our friends hang in there and wait patiently for when we have both the time and energy to be with them, thank goodness. That is true of the friends we have left. Many of them left us long ago, because they didn't understand or maybe they just didnt' care, (I can't be sure) what we were dealing with and what our kids were dealing with.

One friend even told me once, that I was bad mother, until she was here during a manic break that Josh had when he was 16. Later she broke down crying and told me she had no idea what my life had been like and begged my forgiveness. Moments like that make all the difference in the world, sadly enough. I don't see that friend anymore by her choice, not mine. But it still means a great deal to me that I know she understands and she can maybe share with others who don't.

How does the cliche' go - "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" It is also what happens when your loved ones are sick and when you are comforting them and figthing for them and suffering with them and for them. Life is what happens when you are loving your family and trying to do the best for them.

Life is right now.