One out of Four - Can It make a Difference?

Recently I shared some thoughts I had about an exchange I had with my daughter. She will be 17 next week. Many people wrote me to tell me that they were unaware I had a daughter with bipolar disorder. Everyone who knows me or of me, knows I have a son with bipolar disorder. He, as an individual, and we, as a family, have been very outspoken about his illness and his road to recovery and he is the reason I and my family became involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

I guess people not being as aware of my younger daughter’s illness supports two ideas –
1. She doesn’t get as much attention as her older brother.
2. We really don’t know how many people are affected by mental illness because many people aren’t talking about it.

Now, it’s not that we don’t talk about it in our family. I would say that first of all, I am more comfortable talking about my son and his illness as he is very active and has been from an early age, in participating in both his illness and his recovery. My daughter has not been pro-active in her illness or recovery which keeps me cycling in and out of anger and grief when dealing with her. Not much to talk about for me when I am in those fields of emotion. I am either pissed or I am sad.

However, being a proactive family for the most part, - (if we are not as forthcoming and sharing in regards to one member’s illness); it does give you something to ponder as to how others who are less educated in mental health, less advocacy minded; might deal with the issue of mental illness in a public arena.

With that said, I would like to challenge the statistic that is quoted on many, many websites, that one in four are affected by mental illness. (Some sites say one in five – I’m not inclined to quibble over one number) I challenge it, because I say WE ARE ALL AFFECTED BY MENTAL ILLNESS in some capacity.

Whoa – did that shock you? Are you ready to argue with me? Are you questioning my own mental capabilities, or possibly my intelligence?

Well let me tell you - you don’t have to have a mental illness to be affected by it. But, “ Of course”. you are saying to yourself. I am affected by paying taxes for the welfare system and the jail system and the donations I make to agencies, non profits and churches that support those that need help. And I say to you – “That is not what I am talking about.” While that is a true statement, we all are affected in some monetarily fashion when it comes to those who need help in many areas, I still say “We are all affected by mental illness – IN A VERY DEEP PERSONAL WAY.”

For example, last month, when my daughter was in the hospital, she was affected by her illness. And it would serve to reason, that her father and I were affected by her illness when we had to deal with her, the hospital, the nurses, the doctors, her counselors and attend family therapy daily while she was there. Also affected was her brother, as he was sad while empathizing with her and her condition and also while seeing for the first time, how we, as a family, must have suffered while dealing with his illness when he was a teen as well.

But there are more who are affected. Our family friends were affected. They grieved for us and with us. They grieved for themselves as they were denied our friendship and companionship as we were dealing with the issues of her crisis. Her grandparents were affected as well for the same reasons. They also grieved for they feel helpless, as they are not sure when to help, how to help and are frustrated for not being better at understanding what we all live with every day in our home.

But there are more who are affected. When I sat in her last ARD meeting at school, I was amazed to see the same look in several of her teacher’s eyes that I see in my eyes when I look in the mirror and in my husband’s eyes as well. I saw grief, sadness, frustration, anger and helplessness. There people really care about her and they don’t know how to make her see that she is more to them than a warm body in a chair they see a few hours a week. And you can see it makes them question their abilities in their careers as teachers.

But there are more who are affected. I know our family is on the prayer list of four churches. These are the ones I know of. And because I believe that prayer affects us all, I know that each time a person in one of these churches prays for my daughter and my family, they are affected as well. Probably in a very good way, since they are talking to God, which is a powerful and mostly positive thing. But at the same time, it could be it brings them face to face with their own fears or even possibly real life circumstances. But which ever it is, they are still affected in some way.

And this in only the tip of the iceberg. My list could go on and on. But I think you get my point. Just because you don’t have a mental illness or have a close, loved one with a mental illness, does not mean you are not affected by a mental illness.

It is time for mental illness to come out of the rabbit hole and take its place in the real world. I sat in the hospital waiting room, listening to a couple discuss the fact that they were angry with their insurance company because it would only pay for the mid range wheelchair for a family member, while they wanted the deluxe model that was “sportier”. I can not express my rage upon hearing them complain. Hours have been spent on the phone, arguing with insurance companies, trying to get them to even pay PARTIALLY for medication for both of my children. And the irony of that statement is that is part of our GOOD times, because being self employed, there were many years, we had no insurance and just had to pay for everything out of pocket.

So I apologize for being silent at times. I will always respect both of my children’s right to privacy and never discuss their issues with out their permission. But at the same time, I will strive to continue to speak and share and educate in what manner is available to me and remember that when times are sad or bad, that is my motivation for speaking out more, speaking out longer and speaking out purposefully. I know we all get tired. But as long as we make sure that one of us is speaking out at all times, even when the rest of us are tired, we can still be supportive and we can still do our small parts. And when we get one out of four in agreement with us, things will have to get better, right?